as I woke up, yawning, And then we tried to go home: one flight delay, two toddlers and an eleven-hour wait at the airport. Motherhood. Diddy?, his name for his big sister. The thing is, even as I write that, a tiny voice in the back of my brain mutters well, you should work harder at it then. Now, dont get excited, I was hardly running a bank, but I did receive a modest monthly stipend, courtesy of the BBC, who sweeten their measly salaries with a subsidised bar, outings in the Countryfile Land Rover and free tickets to the Eurovision Song Contest. I simply cannot stand to spend one more minute tidying up. No grown-ups! And then, when Tiger Mother scaled the heights of the grasshopper to rescue her cub, stood jeering at her too: Them: Nigh! According to my dictionary, a bully in German is a tyrannischer Kerl, which hardly trips off the tongue: pick on someone your own size, you tyrannischer Kerl!. Is that IT? First, that Im not perfect (that bit isnt an epiphany) BUT I can accept it (that bit is). Tantrums? Like the once-unyielding stones of Angkor or Borobodur, the voracious tentacles of the Stuff have engulfed me, weakened my foundations of cleanliness, and pulled me down under their crushing weight. And there are others I won't regale you with: I know a certain hospital in St Moritz rather too well; got arrested en route to Sao Tome; suffered permanent scarring from sunburn on my left butt-cheek in Bali (the right one remained, mysteriously, unscathed). Discuss) and felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Hm? Hes never been a snorer: it was a significant factor in my decision to marry him. However, there were two toddlers involved, which effectively takes it to a whole new level of suffering: It all happened on the way back from Spain. Im not running without music, its just annoying. Finally, at the bottom, in some cases actually embedded in the rug, lay the tiny Bits: gold stars, multi-coloured beads and ancient grapes that occupy a new category of food stuff (for 18-month-old Alpha Blondie strongly believes they are edible) that is halfway between fresh fruit and dried raisin. The straw that finally broke the camels back came from my neighbour, a child development expert, who was having a coffee and watching my three-year-old Curly Girlie drawing. The house is still far from the housewife clean standard expected of Swiss wives (Im not being ironic housewife clean is a perfectly acceptable standard of hygiene in Switzerland and is afforded the utmost respect by estate agents) but at least it doesnt unsettle the kids any more. I havent actually put the headphones in my ears. And I threw down some treats: Just the other day, while cutting up a lemon, I was hit by the realisation that, under my own steam, I couldnt afford the lemon. Im vegetarian!. Site by Authorclicks. I hear a sound exactly like the front door being opened and a person walking in. The scratchy, needy, nocturnal cat, who thinks my role in life is to lie motionless and unsnoring in bed, waiting to let her in to the house through the window when theres a perfectly functional cat-flap downstairs, not five yards from all her bowls, bed and other business. I must have walked past it 500 times its right on Steinberggasse, for those who know Winti and never seen it. Then he needs to walk round and round and round and round and round and round on his cushion in order to, presumably, dislodge the pea that discomforts his pampered, noble, stinky-dog posterior. So, what? Ooooooooo-eeeeeeerrrrrrrrr-HUH! And when I stood back up and started gabbling, loudly and rapidly while waving my hands around a lot, they didnt realise I was pleading, this is the third meltdown of the morning, you ran away into the path of a car nearly killing yourself, then you turned over the table in the restaurant with all our food on it and now youre having a tantrum over a pumpkin and you dont even like pumpkin! No clay, clothes or watering can roses. For reasons I have no patience to explain, I was scouring the house and garden for the following Lost Items: a packet of modelling clay, an item of clothing that may or may not exist, and a watering can rose. In the US, wed be too scared of being shot. In my personal experience, the Swiss (especially my neighbours) are extremely welcoming, but naturally enough people always prick up their ears when they hear a foreign language being spoken in the vegetable section of Migros. Then, in the space of one week, I left my job, got married and moved to Cameroon. We stayed at the flat with the lovely pool for six weeks, during which time I was so riddled with guilt about To Do List item No. Eleven hours with no pram, no playground and no (legal) tranquilizers. he cried out of breath, But this Christmas was delightful. Curly Girlie echoed Isch gwet gsi!. - getting stuck in Barbados for an extra day because of a volcano on a neighbouring island. Now I really dont answer the door because suddenly they are hassling me and I am stubborn. The lovely little pool became the very symbol of my reluctant idleness and unmerited life of luxury. We have to go, come on. He dashed cross the room Hairy students with Bristol accents will one day chip through the sediment. AH! Bah! Not at all. The bell rings again. 500 years that well has been there. Needless to say, I hadnt noticed the button until she showed me. Putting their shoes on the wrong feet and not noticing for ages. Creatures were stirring NIGH! Or States. We don't even do activities and crafts for a large percentage of the day, maybe an hour or so squeezed in between play groups, mums meet ups, outings to the park, watching Peppa Pig on repeat and of course the obligatory Sainsbury's shop. Would she be shacked up with the big, bad wolf? Presently, we were all in the car and on our way. Personally, dancing around with a scarf makes me feel terribly self-conscious - I dont want to see other people dance around with scarves and I dont really want to do it myself. And I noticed the light inside the bin. I ignore it, which might seem like an odd choice to less reclusive readers, but here are my excuses: the child is covered in food and if I pick him up to get to the door quickly then I too will be covered in food; and 99% of unexpected callers to my door are selling mops. Im not perfect. Drawing on the walls? I lay face down in the prime grape-drying area between the couch and the footstool, and dislocated my left shoulder in order to better sift through the quagmire of Things. Then, when the Husband asks for his nuts or Curly Girlie demands a wooden carrot or Alpha Blondie wails OOOoooOOOoooOOO! (which roughly translates as I need a shoooooe so I can go outside and fall over on the stones) I can just say: under the sofa, Darling! What a neat solution. I really like this one too. Theres a lot of stopping to exchange maracas for a tub of hazelnuts and then scarves and then tiny sticker faces and then tambourines and then maracas again. Curly Girlie: *whining, huffing, flinging self forward all over table* Its wrong! Check. *fiddle fiddle* Plugged in. Then I was in Singapore, where I also stood out from the crowd, mostly by being a head taller than a lot of other women. And, of course, its important - people need hygienic teeth. Why wont it play..? Step One: take dental hygiene course, Step Two: get job as dental hygienist, Step Three: go to work for a defined number of hours, on contractually-specified days, for a pre-determined amount of money. Then will the Great Cosmic Sleep Fascist call off his dogs of war and let me lie in? Ah, happy memories. Back in the day, before I turned all expat, I had an actual job. There - have a handful of personal issues to stir into your culpability cauldron.
Introductions were made, last-minute adjustments to backpacks were completed and shoes were admired (it is a Universal Truth that all children are inordinately proud of their shoes). Total falsch, ja? Reading MammyWoos hilarious, harrowing and award-winning (oh yes) blog, led me, via The Mads Awards, to another inspirational site - Imagination Tree. I only want some bloody music, not the moon on a stick pissyshittingbollockybastardbloodyarsekickingcrappycrappycrappyfrickingcatbollocks. Or grab an over-sized model of a human mouth and run up to the receptionist screaming Im a teeth, Im a teeth. The dogs bed was removed to the utility room and his nightly travails take place in the privacy of his own dog fug. Also, no animals were harmed during the production of this blog. But I had reason to think about tyrannischer Kerls today, when I went to the park and got roundly picked on by a gang of five-year-olds. After all, if I dont like Muki Singen all that much, why should Alpha Blondie? This is the third time the third time! Hm. Its only Alpha Blondie who patently hates every darn minute. In my local town, Winterthur, this cunning window display. Unlike this stale, crusty old mother who always seems to be saying come on, come on, we cant stay here, we have to go there unless Im trying to get their shoes on to leave the house, in which case Ill be saying come away from there, just come over here. She should carry spare knickers, socks and another set of long-sleeved trouser and top, all of which must be in a water-tight plastic bag. People of various religious denominations seem to vie for the guilty crown (of thorns) but I would hesitantly raise my hand and stake a claim on the title: what about only child? or being unemployed? or, goodness knows, motherhood?. Do I want my kids to sit nicely with their knees pressed together, singing sweet ditties while sewing a crochet doily to give to Mater? Failing to be a good role model by not going to work. Right in, out, in, out, in, out. And that was my epiphany: people who appear to be perfect have just airbrushed their life. NIGH! Honestly, I could. Afflicted with leishmaniasis, he needs to drink an absurd amount of water, very loudly and for a prolonged period, day and night. I need another paper! Its done this before, something to do with the headphone socket getting disengaged or something, and you have to take the headphone jack in and out to get it going. Chad, for example, where there are loads of insects (did I mention the insects?). Now we all know that the dog is getting on a bit, very arthritic, and prone to random acts of cowardice, but to a total stranger who is ringing the doorbell and clutching flowers, he looks and sounds exactly like a 30kg slavering boxer dog. But then I had kids and was forced to break my silence. *Nothing* Now that I have surrendered my home to the Objects, it will slowly evolve into an archaeological site of the future. We went to the beach. So did the experience "ruin a perfect holiday"? Right, Im going to phone them first thing Monday morning and order it. Here I am, on my wheel of fire, fire-fighting. Then The Husband took up snoring. Dont be such a miser. Bloody stupid old iPhone - itll be rolling in the deep part of this frickin river in a minute. What should I do? Come on transatlantic fitness woman, speak to me Then, to my credit, I would stop. Don't worry, I'm not coming over all sappy, optimistic, glass half full (hey, at least we didn't take off in a faulty plane and DIE! Maybe it's because expat life means that you tend to travel quite a lot, so statistically we have more opportunities for journeys to go boobies-up. In fact, I will link to another blogger in a moment who admitted her own NEPPness (NEPPtitude?) An illuminated bin? This post is apropos of nothing more than my spotting something this morning that I think is too cool not to share. Then, with a buzz that could rival any of Curly Girlies wald mushrooms, I hurried back to collect her. Now lets take some deep breaths together to calm down and get on with our shopping, they imagined I was threatening, look here, useless girl-child with a lower-than-optimal potential earning capacity, just stop making a fuss over this pumpkin-carrying. Disruptive or non-conformist? Fer-lump! Pyjama days? Everyone I speak to, every book I read and every ounce of common sense that I own, tell me that you have to leave them sometime. It may have been a throwback to a time when I learnt to do that as part of puppy training, but I think it was actually something more instinctive, something innate. Giving them beans on toast for their tea instead of a nutritionally-balanced meal that includes all the food groups. *. She must have a lunchbox containing znni (rather like elevensies only the Swiss start everything earlier in the day, so they have ninesies), which must not contain biscuits, chocolate or sweets. and to All, Merry Christmas!. God! I do that. Bloody thing! Then I discovered the Rabbit Clock little boys are only allowed to wake their Mummies once the rabbit is awake and, oddly enough, little boys embrace this rule with alacrity and, finally, I slept. Look at our joy at adopting the German word schadenfreude, which describes the pleasure we take in someone elses misfortune. The latter is clearly the devils work and I dont trust it. Spending the morning with them is very much like being the designated driver at a drunken party: you have to segue between illogical conversations, hysterical laughter, bouts of weeping, fisticuffs and declarations of love, all the while stopping them slipping off the side of the chair onto the floor. Check. Sun! A bucket of water deals with sleep-thief number one. Why wont it bloody PLAY! Right. Some people might have shared hobbies or lifestyles or sexual depravities, we have our mutual lack of snoring. Mild panic. In the next layer reside the medium-sized Things: Lego, magnetic letters and pieces of shredded paper. I dont need a mop. Perhaps this mother of the Anthropocenic era just sat down in the middle of the room one day and thought feck it, I cant be arsed any more? one of the mature students will more accurately wonder. But even so, there have been some howlers: - a double date-style couples' holiday in Kos, when one quarter of the foursome decided to come out on the first day of a two-week stay to his unsuspecting and, erm, straight girlfriend. And then I noticed the engraving around the top of the stainless steel Sodbrunnen erbaut 1500. Then he farts a bit, by which time it is morning and the blasted rabbit goes off. As this guy, Phillip Lopate, says "You can't just get a certificate saying you're a writer now". Thats much too agrarian.
Take this morning, for example. and I thought with a pang Oh, more translation Muki Singen is MUtter (Mummy) + KInd (Kid) singing. Unfortunately, her definition of sleep is not lie down, close eyes and drift off into silent unconsciousness. Does bullying really only happen in English-speaking lands? Maybe theyre open on Sunday? But first, lets go back a week. She should be pre-coated in anti-tick spray, with special attention to certain vulnerable areas, which were highlighted. Really, it might as well be magic, because I sure as hell cant explain it: WiFi I just walk about the place, accessing the Internet in the office, the kitchen, the garden, halfway down the front drive, printing things out willy-nilly as I go; the ground-source heating system it takes heat directly out of the Earth and uses it to make the floors agreeably warm; the hob it cooks the food, but it doesnt get hot. This is beyond inconvenience, this is panic stations. And people always need time For a lesser Gluckspilz than myself, my latest holiday "experience" might be proof that I am a travel companion to be avoided on account of my dismal luck in foreign climes. When that mouse called out *deep breaths*
See our privacy policy. All The Gear was purchased, labelled, found to be inadequate, either returned or sewed and otherwise altered, and eventually packed. Ah. Nothing. Youll wake up the kids, and besides The Curly Girlie had other ideas. Then theres the whole dog thing - I have a 30kg slavering boxer dog who was making his presence known behind the door. My kids are born of parents who do not go to the ballet, watch films with sub-titles or listen to music that doesnt have lyrics. Hmm, what to do, I think to myself. - being stranded during a diving trip by a violent storm on an uninhabited island while five months pregnant and having to be rescued in an elderly helicopter by the Omani Royal Air Force. And Im all out of solutions. dragged from my slumber It started with firstborn Curly Girlie, actually a pretty good sleeper all things considered, but as much a sleep thief as any baby. Its possible that I consume too much popular culture, but sometimes I get ideas. If so, what is my special test and how do I pass it? At best, there is the clear and present danger of slipping over on that much drool. Anyway, try explaining Ring-a-ring-a-roses to someone non-English-speaking and you quickly see that we fill our childrens heads with utter nonsense the world over. Day One and the Husband rides off to work on the MRT, while I consult my To Do List, which only has two items: 1. find supermarket, 2. relaunch career.
- Impressions Apartments
- Cole Buxton Warm Up T-shirt
- Ibm Tivoli Monitoring Jobs
- Ikea Drawing Paper Roll Holder
- Kate & Milo Collage Frame
- Office Star Guest Chair
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